


Heart Shaped Wreckage

by Sokorra



Series: Madison [1]
Category: Smash (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Season Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2015-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-08 09:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4299324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sokorra/pseuds/Sokorra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After his interview, Derek has a lot of time by himself to think over the last two years.  Its time to make some changes in his life. Episode Tag to "The Tonys".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this a couple years ago right after the show was cancelled and I finally was able to watch the whole show on Netlfix and Hulu. It got lost in the shuffle for awhile and I finally got back to it this month and finished it. Mostly. I'm still working on the last part, but I felt I should start posting the first couple. With all luck, I should have the last part finished within the next week.
> 
> I decided to add this to the Madison set just because but it can be read without those or those without this.

It was ironic, he thought halfway through the bottle that he only realised he was in love with Ivy when he finally truly lost her. There was no going back now. It had been several days from the interview and she hadn't called. It hadn't made a difference to anyone it seemed that he needed to make things up to, least of all Ivy.

 

Telling the truth had not all been to make things right with his friends. It was about making things right with himself. He knew he wasn't considered the moral upstanding guy, but even he had standards for himself and this time he had crossed the line. At first he had tried blaming everyone else. Daisy for manipulating him, Ivy for treating him like he didn't matter, for Karen for liking Jimmy better. But in the end he knew it was all him, and only him to blame. After all, he should have known better after Daisy had been part of the team accusing him of harassment. The case had gone away, but he should still have been weary of her offer. And if he hadn't acted like he had in the beginning she would never have considered that an option.

 

So basically it came down to him and revisiting his behavior in the last couple of years. And then admitting that to Michael Riedel. And now living with the consequences of the world knowing the truth. No more denials, no more defending himself. Just laying it out there, hoping that the people he cared most about would forgive him for his sins.

 

And so far, it seemed only Eileen had. He and Eileen had known each other for years, nearly as long as he had known Tom. They hadn't really started working together professionally till My Fair Lady, but they had met over the years and had developed a friendship. He had always liked her a bit more then her husband, something that only grew as the years went on and Jerry continuously developed new ways to be a jackass. And given that Derek actually recognized it should have been a clue he had crossed a few lines.

 

He remembered her approaching him for Marilyn, the hope in her eyes that he wouldn't shut her down, that their friendship and working relationship had not just been because of Jerry but because they knew each other well enough to know what they would like. The play was about a woman who reinvented herself to get what she wanted...only to find what she wanted had come with a price too heavy to pay. He supposed they both had connected with that idea.

 

He had been annoyed by the idea of having to audition (something he found amusing now as he knew he'd probably have to audition for any directing role he got in the next year or two) but the little he had gotten on the play, and what he had read about Marilyn had enticed him.

 

Funny how many people had nearly lost themselves in this production, himself included.

 

She had called him a few days after the interview, asking him why. And he couldn't really answer her. Everything the past year was mixed up in his head and he wasn't quite sure (or perhaps quite ready)how to make things go back together. The call had been short but at least he had some sense that Eileen would forgive him in time for disappointing her.

 

Nothing from his agent, Karen or Ivy.

 

For some reason he felt Ivy was the one he most needed to apologise to. Ana of course deserved an apology for what he had done to her professionally, and perhaps Karen a little as well. But for Ivy it had been more than professional, and she deserved an apology for all of it. For taking her for granted the first time around, for just seeing her as another way to pass the time so he didn't feel so alone when he wasn't in rehearsal. For messing up things with Rebecca, and then Karen. As he had said to her so many months ago on her front steps, he had made a mess of things.

 

He didn't remember much about Ivy those first few days. Didn't quite remember what his first impression was. He remembered thinking she was talented, and quite pretty, but his mind had been on blocking the scene and not on the actress doing the role. He knew he had offended Tom over how he had treated Ivy that day, but the lady herself had never said anything to him. He wondered if she had been. Ivy had a tendency in the beginning not to discuss things like that with him. It really took her first public meltdown before she started learning not to hold things back til they exploded.

 

His first impression of Karen was still fresh in his mind, though tainted by experiences of the last year. He didn't know what it was that had made him see Marilyn in her. It was like some kind of key had clicked and she was who he needed in that role. The docile actress who could be molded into what they needed.

 

Except she was not as docile as she appeared, which turned out to be a blessing. But at the start she was a little shy and green about things and hadn't quite got her footing in the world of Broadway, and there was something to that which was appealing. Something to being the first director who got to bring out the star in actor.

 

He did however remember that day at rehearsal when he had decided that Ivy was meant to be Marilyn. She had been reading lines and it had just hit him. Her enthusiasm for theater and wanting to get it right had been attractive, and he had liked how responsive she had been to him that day. He hadn't slept with her for the role, despite what some people might say given his history that was now on public display. He usually only slept with the actresses after he decided they were getting the part or not, not before; Daisy Parker notwithstanding. Although he had to admit that he hadn’t denied himself women who had tried to use that method of persuasion. Whatever his motivations, that was certainly not Ivy’s.

 

He wasn't sure what had made him keep the relationship going at first. Later it was because it was nice not to be lonely anymore, to have someone at the end of the day who knew what you did and what you loved and supported you, even helped you if you needed someone to. She had become a good friend, and the closest person to him at that point. Except he hadn’t really recognized it.

 

Till Boston. He had a feeling Boston would probably resonate for a good long while for many people in Bombshell and Hit List. No one had left Boston unscathed. Not even him, though it most likely appeared like he was the least affected. Karen had lost her innocence, which he hadn't figured out till months later, which once again proved how out of sync he was with what was going on around him. At first he had been just happy that his vision was fitting, and people were loving it, proving him right. Karen was right for the role.

 

Honestly, it wasn't till he got back into New York that it finally all hit him. Yes, Karen was the star now, but she still had a lot of work to do to get the blocking. She was also a little bitter now, particularly towards Ivy though she would never speak of what had finally made her see Ivy as the evil one. Things were off with her too. Its like the pieces had stopped fitting together once they left the preview run.

 

And Ivy was gone from his life. He saw her at rehearsals when they still had them, and of course at that party Eileen put on. But no where else. She wasn't there at the end of the day, she wasn't answering his phone calls, she barely spoke to him unless a direct answer was needed. She wasn't rude, but it was clear she had considered them over by the overly polite tone she took with him.

 

Her reaction to his almost-kiss with Karen had been the official nail in the coffin to their first attempt at a relationship, if you could call it an attempt. She had expected him to kiss Karen. It hadn't surprised her, although he could still see a little hurt in her eyes. He wasn't sure what to think about that. After all, he had been trying to kiss Karen, but there was something about that look that got to him, made it hard for him to answer her question when she asked him why he had been calling.

 

And that had been it. Once she had left the show, he hadn't seen her for weeks. And it felt wrong, not having her in his life. And the loneliness started to creep in again, as he didn’t have work to distract him, and Karen had found something to occupy her time in discovering Jimmy Collins and Kyle Bishop.

 

Something he sadly recreated this past couple of weeks.

 

It seemed that was always her absence that made him realise things. The first time made him realise how much he missed her friendship, her warm support and ability to see things when he couldn't. He had missed talking to her. It was different with Karen. Karen had only required that he adore her, which he did, and she happily played along. Perhaps it was because of how things went down in Boston, but it had changed their relationship. She hadn't been as close to him, or so willing to dance that line between friends and more before then. And that had blown up in their faces too. Although at least he could say they came out of that amicable and willing to move past that. He couldn't claim the same of Ivy.

 

The second time around had been a surprise. He honestly hadn't gone to see her expecting to start things up again. He had been sad, and they had started their friendship up again after that night on her stoop, so it was just nice to be with someone who didn't hate him or was angry with him at the time. He probably should have resisted some when she offered to take him upstairs, but he hadn't and he couldn't quite bring himself to regret it. Those three weeks were the happiest he had in awhile, until things got messy again. He still wasn't sure why Ivy all of the sudden was playing it like it was some appointment, like it meant nothing.

 

He supposed the beginning of the end started with Boston, but the straw that had led to his final downfall had started that night at the opening. Ivy's rejection had confused him, upset him, and it took a long time for him to even figure out why that was. He was an idiot not to catch on to Daisy's plan to use his bad behavior against him. He really couldn't hold it against her. After all, he was quite willing at the time. He hadn't even regretted it till the next morning and he woke up and realised that he was alone in her apartment and it was not the sunny room he was familiar with. The one connected to his favorite blue-eyed blonde.

 

That had started the continuous feeling that something was wrong, that something had changed for the worse. He stopped feeling the great love he had for the theater, feeling tired and just not as passionate about Hit List. Jimmy's rebellion had simply brought out the anger but mostly he had just felt off.

 

He still couldn't figure out why he had done that. Why had Daisy appealed at that point? Especially after he had confronted her before, and she sure as hell didn't now. But somehow he had made that decision and now lived to pay for it.

 

He had spent the week afterwards feeling out of sorts, and it was only Karen who finally made him realise what the problem was.

 

He was in love with Ivy. She had stopped being that casual relationship he was having with an actress in a show, started being his confident, his friend. Someone who supported him when he needed it but also started being the person who could look him in the eye and tell him when he was wrong. Even finally getting the chance to sleep with KAren hadn't wiped out his feelings for her, and for the first time in recent history he had stopped himself because it just didn't feel right, And Karen had agreed, knowing herself to be attracted to Derek but in love with Jimmy. It had shifted their relationship. He supposed it was inevitable that the two of them would have tried it. He had wanted to sleep with her from the start, and after Dev and seeing how much professional chemistry they had, she had desired him too after a point. Just not the way either of them really wanted.

 

And he had left that apartment the next morning feeling better than he had in weeks, having figured out what to do about the shifting nature of his relationship with Ivy, and feeling his friendship with Karen had finally settled into something they could both be comfortable with

And then Kyle had died and it had all gone to hell again. He got hope when Ivy took time off to see the show, wanting to be there for him. He had considered she might be seeing the differences in their relationship this time around but he was wrong. She wasn't. She was just seeing a repeat of the past and getting out before they hurt each other again. And he realised he really couldn't defend himself. It was the first time he realised that it was possible he was going to lose one of the things he wanted unless he changed.

 

And there was no way Ivy was going to forgive him now. She might have forgiven the cheating the first time around, but a second time was probably not going to get a pass. And she was never going to believe that he and Karen had never gotten to that point. Especially once she learned (and he had a feeling she'd find out) that they *almost* had.

 

So basically his relationship to the closest thing he had to a girlfriend was smashed beyond repair, his friendships with Eileen and Karen were in shambles (although one might repair itself) and he had basically just kissed his career goodbye.

 

It was that night at Table 46 that made him realise what he had to do, after hearing Ana and Karen lash out at him, again with him not being able to defend himself from the truth, and then seeing Ivy look at him with such disappointment in her eyes. He had sat back down, taken another drink of his scotch and found himself in the real position of knowing that he had only one choice if he wanted Ivy back. If he wanted Karen's friendship and respect back. If he wanted anything back. Sure he could have a career but he would know, and he wouldn't have the two closest friends he had anymore.

 

He would effectively be choosing a career he wasn't feeling too strongly about over two women who he cared alot about. So it seemed like a simple decision.

 

So he called the reporter, smiled at first and then told the story. The whole story. And at first he felt better. He was repairing what he had done, was finally admitting to the times he had crossed the line. Only that feeling didn’t last It took a few days before he got a call from anyone, but only a few hours for him to start feeling the professional ramifications.

 

So this is what Hell was like. And he couldn't even say he didn't deserve it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Karen’s first visit occurred on day eight  of the “Post Interview Seclusion”. At this point he was forgoing most forms of communication to the outside world with the exception of the closest facility that sold alcohol. His tablet sat on his nightstand, powerless. His apartment line was disconnected and his cellphone, while powered, was hidden in the drawer of the nightstand, barely audible to those in the room. Mostly this was because he was tired of receiving calls from reporters of various entertainment news sources asking for follow up interviews. The people he had wanted to hear from weren’t really calling.

 

After her first call, Eileen had basically been on radio silence, both a little upset with him personally and professionally. Ivy had not called at all, and Karen had only called once, to let him know she was coming over. He hadn’t answered the phone, just let it go to voicemail and then listened to that. He was hiding now, not wanting to know why it took them so long to respond, what they would have gathered to say in a weeks time.

 

When she stepped out of the elevator her eyebrows went up in surprise. She had never seen the apartment such a mess since when Derek moved a floor up to the one floor penthouse with its private elevator and more open floor plan. And even then, most of the mess had been done while he was in Boston.

 

“I came to check on how you were, but this about says it all, doesn’t it.” She sighed and tossed her purse lightly on his table. “I tried calling.”

 

“I didn’t feel like being yelled at anymore.” He really only felt tired anymore. Tired of hearing his words repeated, tired of reliving the last six months of his life where things all went down hill. Tired of living like the shoe was about to drop. And yes, tired of hearing Karen yell at him for all that he had done wrong. “Is that why you’re here?”

 

“I just told you why I am here.” She rolled her eyes. “Are you mad at me?”

 

“No.”

 

“Sure seems like it.  I had a right to be angry with you before.”  He knew that. For more than one reason.  The situation with Daisy had brought up not only problems with Karen’s best friend, but also their past history where they hadn’t exactly toed the line.  Or rather he hadn’t.  Karen had been quite clear she wasn’t going to sleep with him for a part or because he was the director.

 

“I just want to be left alone.”

 

“To wallow in your self flagellation?” She grabbed her purse, her tone telling him she didn’t have much sympathy for him at the moment.. “I’ll give you a few more days of that, but you really need to stop holding yourself in. You aren’t going to keep your career if you aren’t going to fight for it.”

 

She left, and he was honestly surprised it hadn’t taken more of an argument so he supposed she was still a little angry with him.

 

After a week of drinking and having way too much time with only himself to focus on, he had come to a few conclusions.

 

The first being that while he could say he never gave a part away due to sleeping with an actress prior to Daisy, he couldn’t exactly say he hadn’t offered. Or used sexual attraction to get better performances out of his actresses. Most of the time the ending was amicable, but he could see now that he was very lucky on that score. The five dancers who had come forward clearly showed that his perception was skewed however and he hated to admit that Daisy Parker had any points in her favor.. Rebecca Duvall he ignored because he knew that was hurt feelings at his comment about her skill in musicals, but this wasn’t just something that was affecting his career. He knew that every actress he had worked with for the past ten years building the reputation he had now...or had before the interview came out, would have to try even harder to impress simply because people would assume that Derek cast using something other than his brain.

 

Ivy and Karen perhaps especially. He had already known that Karen had been suggested to be sleeping with him when she wasn’t. Ivy had been with him for close to a year, perhaps his longest relationship bar his two marriages. Eileen had told him this was going to happen, but he had ignored her too.  Ivy had never complained to him about what people said, but he couldn’t ignore that he’d be a footnote on her wikipage and not necessarily in a good way.

 

He could remember that day they started, the way she looked up at him as they rehearsed, asking as Marilyn to be a star.  She hadn’t been bitter yet, hadn’t been pushed into a conflict with Karen that she did not choose but ended up fighting. But she had been so appealing. She wasn’t the innocent that Karen seemed to ad managed to push her way through, becoming his friend, and a respected colleague too. And while for him it had started as simply a way to combat the loneliness he fostered on himself, it hadn’t stayed that way simply because it hadn’t been that way for her.

 

That’s not to say she hadn’t manipulated him or used him a time or two. He wasn’t naive as to not know that. But he had done the same,so he couldn’t complain and most of what she did was within limits. Up to the point where she started to lose everything in Boston.

 

Boston was going to be the pit of hell when it came to his recriminations of himself.

 

Karen had caught on much quicker than Ivy as to his motives. Had disliked him on principle for awhile for that simple fact. And while Derek hated to even admit this, he had to admit that perhaps Dev had a reason to hit him that one time.

 

Karen appealed to him because she was new and seemed eager to be molded into a star. He had taken great joy in the idea of being the one to do so. And he had appealed to her because it made her first boyfriend angry (Her second boyfriend too, but that was for another reason) and because as much as she fed his ego, he fed hers by calling her his muse. Probably not the best way to stage a relationship, but he could possibly hope for a friendship in the future. But they always got along better when they ignored the fact that he had thought she would sleep with him and the fact that on occasion she considered it. Perhaps that should have been a clue.

 

In the end it really didn’t matter, because he had screwed both relationships up by crossing that line. Although it appeared Karen was still willing to talk to him.

  
Her second visit was shorter than the first, and he thought he had finally scared her away too, now in the bit of the cycle where he decided to just give up. Make everyone go away and just exist in his room with the bottles and just pretend the world outside didn’t exist.


	2. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three conversations with the women in his life help make some decisions for Derek.

Then there was her third visit early on the day the Tonys were occurring. He knew he had got tickets, but he hadn’t bothered to pick them up. He wasn’t going to just see the entire audience look at him with judgement in his eyes. He had a new respect for Julia for what she went through after her marriage broke up.

 

Karen had brought supplies, even though he had no interest in using them. And he really didn’t want her there. He wanted to sulk and feel rotten all by himself, thank you very much.

 

“So have you been in here the whole time? Going to stay in here forever?”

 

“Its the third time you’ve been here this week, I thought after the last time I had scared you off.”

 

“Well, I’m worried about you.” She hopped onto the bed beside him.

 

“Don’t be, I deserved it.” He had gone past ruminations and just hit acceptance. “I did all the things I said I did.”

 

“Remember what you said in Boston?” she asked after a moment. He turned to look at her. “That the more you hurt the better?”

 

“I just said that to get you on stage.”

 

“Well, it worked, and I’m glad I did it. This will pass, but you have to let it.” He scoffed.

 

“Do I really?” He decided it was a good time to take a drink and made his way across the bed to where the bottle and shot glass lay on the floor. “You can see yourself out.” For a few moments she was silent.

 

“So has she called?”

 

“What?” He rolled over to look at her again. He closed his eyes, as the alcohol soaked brain of his pounded at the movement.

 

“Ivy. I’m going to guess that’s a no. She usually knew how to bring you out of your funks, when she wasn’t in one of her own.”

 

“As a matter of fact no, and why should I be wanting her to call?” he opened his eyes momentarily.

 

“First, I never said you should expect her to call, and secondly I know you better then to think you haven’t been waiting for her call.” She tilted her head."Did you ever tell her that you loved her?"

 

"What does that have to do with anything."

 

Karen sighed. "Alot, dummy. After everything this past two years, Ivy would need more than intuition to pick up that you are in love with her. I know because you told me, but had you not told me I probably wouldn't know. You need to tell her."

 

For a moment, Derek thought back to that night when he and Karen had finally decided to act on the attraction between them. It had turned out to be an eye-opening night, although perhaps not in the way they had expected. Karen had realised she was in love with Jimmy, and even though she was attracted to Derek it wouldn’t work out while she still had feelings for Jimmy. And Derek realised that he couldn’t use sex with other women to deal with the fact that his girlfriend was essentially avoiding him. It hadn’t worked with Daisy, and it hadn’t worked with Karen. Nothing was going to stop him from thinking about Ivy and the way things went down.

 

And that was before things went even worse.

 

"I got that. And no, I never got the chance. The first time I tried she basically broke up with me because of you and woman like you."

 

"Women like me?" Karen's look was not one that said she was confused. The question was more of a chance for him to explain himself before she got angry with him.

 

"My tendency to want to sleep with the women I work with."

 

"Ah. So it wasn't me, or "women like me" but rather you and your tendency to not remain monogamous." He frowned as he heard Ivy's words repeated although not quite verbatim. "And you didn't try to persuade her either." This time the tone was resigned, and though he had closed his eyes, he could sense her shaking her head in disappointment.

 

"No, I wasn't sure what there was to say to that." He opened his eyes and looked over at Karen.

 

"Probably nothing could be said." She shifted on the bed, standing and walking towards the bags. "Probably fighting for her would do something. You were always quick to let her fly away." She pulled out the juice. "And maybe the first step in that is drinking something that hasn't been fermented or distilled for once." She put the orange juice on his floor next to the bottle of bourbon he had been drinking. She bent down so that her face was closer to his. "I do have to admit something. You do realise that most people assume that Ivy slept with you for the part."

 

"Do you believe that." He had known.

 

"Sometimes, when I'm being less favorable in my thoughts towards her. And I definitely did in the beginning.  But then I remember how she was after Rebecca, and I don't think anyone could fake that level of heartbreak. You broke her heart, Derek, and I can tell you from my own experience that it takes awhile for that to heal, and a while for you to trust someone else not to break it. So you need to fight for her, tell her the truth, and do it before some other man steps in and does that."

 

“She’s with someone?”

 

“Not that I’ve heard, but that’s not the point. She shouldn’t have to wait for you Derek. She did and you ignored her.”

 

“What are you talking about.”

 

“I’ll admit that I’m not the most observant person, but you didn’t seem to see her face when she caught me at your apartment the morning I brought HIt List over. It was like that was the point her hope of the two of you fixing what went wrong in Boston left her. And at the time I was glad to see it go because I was not-so-happy with her.” Karen sighed and stood up. “I have to admit my own problems this past year in getting past what happened in Boston. Every time I thought I was over it, I would find myself still reacting to it like I wasn’t. And it wasn’t fair to Ivy to punish her because she helped out Eileen and the others when I wasn’t able to. She wasn’t after my part, not at that point yet I treated her like she was. I guess I owe her an apology myself.”

 

He moved himself to the top of the bed, back against the headboard.

 

“Do you ever notice how much of her advice you seek?” Karen asked after a few moments of silence came between them.”

 

“I’m not sure how much I actively seek it, but I take it when she’s around to offer it, why?”

 

“Its more then that, you trust her more than you trust other people. I was just thinking of the rehearsal after that morning when I was doing her song, the one she had performed that night when I was away. And you were instantly wanting her approval, wanting her to tell you what you did right or did wrong. And you wouldn’t take the same advice from me, or even Tom. Maybe you should think about that too.” After that she walked over and picked up her purse. “Drink the juice, Derek. The coffee too.” She turned and left him once again in his solitude with alot to think about.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Ivy showed up a few hours later, he was irritated. He knew that Karen had something to do with it. Ivy did not look a bit surprised at the sight of his bedroom, nor shocked that he was still hung over. He had stopped drinking, and had actually drank the juice that Karen had brought over but couldn't bring himself to really do much more.

 

“I know you haven’t had a good couple of weeks..” she began

 

“oh, yeah, you think?” She gave him a look that told him she was unimpressed. “I’m done, alright.” She said nothing. “My agent won’t talk to me, not a theater in town will touch me,” he grabbed the bag his last order of alcohol had been in and lifted it in the air as an example. “The guys who deliver this won’t look me in the eye. So, No. I have not had a good few weeks.”

 

“Why did you do it?” He couldn’t help but laugh. He had been trying to figure that out all week.

 

“Do you know what I actually do?” She shifted her weight but he could tell she was listening. “I bluff, all day long. But what do I know, eh?” He looked down, not wanting to see the look in her eye. “I’m pretty lonely, always thought you knew that.”

 

“I do,” she said softly, and he rubbed his face with his hand.

“I’m tired, Ivy. I’m so tired.”

 

“Its not all gone.” Karen had said the same thing, he wasn’t sure he believed either one of them. “Am I going to see you there tonight?” She continued when he didn’t respond.

 

“Oh, yeah, sure.” The sarcasm was apparent. “Because spending the evening in a room of sanctimonious pricks who have it in for me? Yeah I’ll be there.”

 

“I don’t want to be there without you.” He lifted his head at that. "I know I've hurt you," she responded, a look of concern in her eyes. "and you've hurt me too. But that doesn't mean I don't love you." He looked at her then, surprised by the words. She had never said that she loved him before, even back when it had been clear as day that she felt highly for him. She hadn't been quite so apparent in the year since. After a moment of staring straight into his eyes, allowing him to see how serious she was, she finished with “I’ll see you there.”

 

She went to move, but turned around at the last second. "Oh, and ah, take a shower. It smells like a dive bar in here," she sent as a parting shot, her mouth turned up slightly to say she was teasing. Although she wasn't quite wrong about how it smelled.

 

As he heard the elevator doors close, he didn't move. Just repeated those words in his head a few times. Ivy had admitted she still loved him. It didn't mean she would take him back, or that he was forgiven, but it did mean he still had a chance. Karen's earlier statement that he should try fighting for her came back and he slipped off the bed and walked, or rather stumbled, his way to the bathroom. In his level of hangover it was hard to walk straight. He still had a few hours to sober up before the Tonys, but perhaps if he made it there, she would see it as the gesture he meant it to be.

 

And then maybe they could talk.

 

At first he was divided. Part of him wanted to stay home and wallow and thus avoid walking into a room of people judging him from all corners. He already knew he had fucked it all up, he didn’t need a thousand other people joining in the chorus. However the other part, the greater part, knew that he needed to go, if only to show Ivy her gesture was not in vain. It had meant something to him that she had been willing to come and say it, something he had never quite been able to say.

 

Karen and Ivy’s visits had bolstered him a little. It was enough to get him off the bed. But he decided he needed one more opinion.

 

Eileen answered on the first ring.

 

“I hope this isn’t to tell me you aren’t coming,” she answered in lieu of a greeting.

 

“No, I’m thinking of going.”

 

“Thinking?”

 

“I’m not exactly everyone’s favorite person right now?”

 

“So what? You have two nominations, and several friends who want you there. You won’t be alone Derek.”

 

“Ivy came over.”

 

“She did? I suspected she would. She never held out on being angry with you before, I doubted it would last this time.”

 

“Why does everyone seem to think this was apparent, it wasn’t to me.”

 

“That’s because you are in the middle of this shitstorm, Derek, not mention you are the one who caused it. The rest of us have been given front row seats and thus see things you don’t. Like Ivy loves you.”

 

“Do I remind you of Jerry?”

 

“Do You...Oh, Derek.” He could hear her shake her head, her earrings rapping against the phone. “Jerry did what you did and more. And I forgive him once or twice before the end. Now if you continued down the road you were going, there was a possibility you could end up like Jerry. Blackmailing and espionage just to stay in your ex's life. But you haven’t gone that way. You saw the error of your ways, and and are now paying the price rather than just pushing it off to another day. And Ivy has it in her still to forgive you. She came over didn’t she?”

 

“Yeah, she did.” He paused. “She told me she loved me, and wanted me to be there with her tonight.”

 

“Well, are you?”

 

“Are I what?”

 

“Going to be there for her?” He could hear a male voice in the background tell Eileen the car was at the door. “Look Derek, I have to go. You have about half an hour to get to the Tony’s and get a seat. But try and be there. You don’t get second, or even third chances very often so don’t waste yours.”

  
She hung up without saying goodbye as well.


	3. Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Tonys.

By the time he was ready, the Tonys had already started. He managed to get in the doors, but found it was hard to find a seat, let alone one near the only people on his side. He eventually decided to just lean up against the column in the back, watching as everyone mingled during commercial breaks. Several awards had already been given out by the time he arrived but from the program he assumed none of the ones he cared about bar one had been made.

 

He couldn’t find Ivy or Karen anywhere, but Eileen spotted him early on and gave him a brief smile and a wave from her spot. He grinned as he saw Nick next to her. Eileen deserved a happy ending, and he was happy to see her going for it. Nick made her happy, even if Derek and he usually found themselves silently waiting for her than ever picking up a conversation.

 

He finally found the hitlist crew just as they were coming up on his award and he nearly missed his name being called as winning for Hit list. He made his way onto the stage, ignoring the silence around him, and the fact that no one seemed joyful for his win other than a scattered few.

 

He caught sight of Ivy as he reached the announcer, and took his award, and he suddenly knew what he needed to say. He walked to the stand and stood there for a second.

 

“Ok, um, firstly I would like to thank the voters for judging the work and not the man.” And he was. He knew he came up short, and that his actions could have called into question all the awards HitList had been nominated for, and for the most part deserved to win. But thankfully despite his terrible decision making the past year, HitList remained mostly unscathed, and he even won an award for it.

 

He turned to look at the side entrance to the stage where Ivy and the ensemble of Bombshell waited in the wings to perform Lets Be Bad. He met her eyes as he finished his acceptance speech. “I would like to dedicate this award to someone I love very much. Ivy Lynn. She convinced me to come here tonight, I owe her everything.” He could see the girl next to her reacting but Ivy stood still, not breaking their eye contact. He couldn’t tell what her response was other than surprise.

 

He then left the stage from the other side, making his way through the press junkets and into the main reception hall before making his way back to his spot next to the column. He missed Ivy’s number, and arrived just in time for another commercial break.

 

* * *

 

 

His second task of the evening was repairing things with the Hit List crew. He had called a few of the of the dancers on his way to the Tonys, knowing a few that wouldn’t have been attending after Daisy’s win over the coup. They gathered backstage as he got together Karen, Ana, Jimmy and Sam to sing.

 

He wasn’t sure what made it all the more enjoyable. Telling Daisy she wasn’t going to be performing and making things right for Ana, or knowing that it was in a sense sticking it to Jerry, who had taken Daisy under his wing more so the Derek ever had. Despite trying his best not to besmirch anyone else’s reputation more than he already had by the situation in general, he had a feeling Daisy had made herself known well enough that not a lot of people would want to work with her. Or at least not do it willingly or happily. Daisy unfortunately was talented enough to warrant getting the parts. She just didn’t have the personality to lead a cast.

 

He smiled as the cast performed. No one outside the production crew would know that this wasn’t planned. They might get an idea, but nothing would be confirmed till someone said something afterwards. It just looked like the announcer got the wrong title sequence. They pulled it off spectacularly for no practice, and with hardly any accompaniment. It was easy to feel happy as they did so well. And it was the right cast, Ana included this time. He could hear Daisy moaning about being denied her time in the sun to Jerry and to the production manager, but he couldn’t bring himself to care anymore.

  
After all everyone out there hated him, he could whatever he wanted. And if he wanted to make sure his friends, the ones that supported him and stayed when it was good policy to run away, got to have their time in the limelight, he would.

 

He walked out of the stage with a grin on his face, feeling as if he could find his way back to loving Broadway once again.

 

* * *

 

After Ivy had found him at the afterparty, the two of them had wandered into an alcove near the door. He knew there was quite a conversation that they needed to have, but he hadn’t a clue where to begin. They had two years worth of issues to correct, and he knew it wasn’t going to be easy, and it wasn’t going to be quick. The fact that Ivy seemed equally as confused as to where to start actually calmed him slightly though.

 

"I have to ask...did you mean what you said?" She was acting shy, which was unlike the Ivy she had become in the last year, but he could understand where it was coming from. It did seem like a sudden thing for him to claim how lonely he was then profess love to her, when he had never really said it to her when things were good.

 

"Yes. Every bit."

 

"And you mean it as..."

 

"I love you, and wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life showing you how."

 

"So this isn't like in Boston."

 

"No, although I probably meant it then too, I just didn't know how much." He sighed. "I know I've made a mess of things, particularly lately and in Boston, but the last two weeks have given me alot of time to think. To think about the last two years, the shows,...us. And the one conclusion I've come to is that I need you in my life, and more then that I want you in it."

 

"Wow, that's quite a declaration." They settled into the table. "You may have to explain your thought process here. What made you realise all of this?"

 

"That moment at Table Forty Six when you stood there and told me I would never do the right thing and walked away without once looking back. It started the ball rolling I suppose. I'm not sure what it was about that moment that seemed so final, like I had finally driven you away for good. And it was then I realised that it wasn't just that you are probably one of my closest friends, or someone I respect professionally. I had thought that I felt something, but I hadn't figured out how strongly I felt it till then."

 

"Why did you come to me that night at the bar?"  It took him a second to realise what she was talking about.

 

"Your Birthday?"

 

"Yeah," Somehow he figured this was more than just asking him for a timeline. "I honestly wanted to see you and wish you happy birthday. The way things went," he continued with a bit of a smirk that he tried to tamper, "I can't say I would complain, but I hadn't entirely gone with that in mind."

 

"So seeing me again, renewing our relationship wasn't about Karen's rejection?"

 

"Karen's rejection?"

 

"The night of the opening she told me that you had asked her out a few weeks before," she held up a hand when he started to speak. "I asked her about you two at the opening party. Things were going so well with us and you seemed actually interested in a full relationship, so I had to know what had happened between the two of you. And she told me, although she probably was a bit too quick to tell me but I can understand that."  Suddenly quite a few things fell into place.  Why Ivy had said what she did the night of the party, the reason she avoided him for a few days and then told him she couldn’t be with him.  

 

"I will admit that I thought things between Karen and I would go a certain way. And that when we started our second time around things were a bit unclear in that area. But it was mostly simultaneously then reactionary." He wasn't sure how he could defend himself here. After all, it was his fault that Karen and Ivy had such a competitive relationship. And it was not always the friendly variety. "After things went south with us, and with Karen and Jimmy we did decide to give it ago." He held onto her hand, as she looked ready to leave him at that news. "Please, Ivy, let me finish. We need to get this out there. We ended up not being able to go through with it."

 

"Because she was in love with Jimmy?"

 

"Partially, but it wasn't all on her end. I couldn't help but compare her to you. It felt wrong, like I gotten the wrong pieces to the puzzle. What I wanted was you, and I kept looking around trying to find it but failing obviously because Karen is not you, and neither was Daisy, or any of the other women I've seen this year. You got under my skin, and nothing quite was right unless it was with you."

 

"That was almost romantic, if it didn't have to deal with you sleeping with other women." For a second his heart dropped.

 

"You are never going to be able to forgive me, are you?" He really had hoped he would get a second - perhaps it was a third chance. Her visit had brought up his hopes, and Karen and Eileen, two women he trusted to tell him the truth both seemed assured that he could gain that chance. But it was all up to Ivy, and infidelity was not something easily overcome.

 

“Its not entirely about forgiveness Derek. There is a part of me that will always love you, has loved you from the start. But I’m also afraid that if I let you in again, and allow myself to love you again fully that I’m just sitting myself up for a broken heart.”

 

“We can take it slow.” She laughed, a quiet soft laugh full of sadness rather than joy.

 

“Somehow I don’t think we are capable of that. We are both passionate people, Derek. I think if we do try this a third time around, we would be full on before we even realised.” She took his hand and squeezed it, “But I am willing to try, as long as you are.”

 

He knew what she was saying. He had to chance. He couldn’t use sex as some sort of bargaining chip. Charming investors would be one thing, but nothing more. No other women, no other leading ladies. If he really wanted this, he would have to make some serious changes in how he treated his coworkers, his relationships.  This was their last chance.

 

“I would like that.”

 

She played with her Tony for a moment, but the silence was a comfortable one.  It seemed tonight was going to be a night for laying out on the table, all of it.  "You know, I had a crush on you before Bombshell."

 

"You did?"

 

"Well, I'll admit more of a professional one then a personal one, up until we met.  But I knew Ronnie, and others who had worked with you and how brilliant you were.  So to work with you seemed like a great honor - and it still is.  And then I met you and of course you were gorgeous too, so the crush got a bit more personal after that." She was blushing, which made him grin.  He didn't tease her about it though.  "And then you seemed interested in me too.  It actually took me a few days to realise that there might be other motives for your interest.  Or that you might see another in mine."

 

"I can't argue my reasons for starting things wasn't something I could be proud of," he admitted.  "But it wasn't always like that."

 

"No, we had our moments, didn't we?"  She smiled again, and squeezed his hand.  "I think that the way things ended sometimes casts so long a shadow it's hard to remember the moments when we were just us, no manipulation or rejections involved.  Those quiet nights in when we would both be working on projects, occasionally getting the other's input.  Those were nice."

 

"Yeah, they were."  It was one of the things he had missed when he arrived back in New York, high off the Boston previews. He missed the comfortable silence as she read her scripts and he worked on designing a vision for Bombshell.  Occasionally sharing when either of them got stuck in a rut. He had always respected her input.  Perhaps that is what kept this from being like his other relationships.  It wasn't just something to cover the moments outside of work.  They blended their work, something they were passionate about, and their relationship.  Sure, as Ivy had pointed out they had used each other once or twice, but the overwhelming amount of time they had just been two artists working on their art.  And it had worked.  He could see it in the future, though he doubted they would work together on the same play for a long time.  Especially with where his career was at the moment.  

 

"Do you remember Lyle's party?"

 

"Yes, I do believe I do.  It was the first time you stayed over at my apartment."  It was also probably their first fight about their relationship that had nothing to do with working together, not really.  Trying to reassure her that he wasn't flirting with the other women for fun but for work.  She hadn't been happy with his explanations, and in hindsight she probably had all the reasons to doubt his intentions.  But she had trusted him when he had said it was just business and followed him upstairs.  "You were mad at me for flirting with one of the potential investors."

 

"Ever since we had gotten together I had friends telling me to be careful, that you had a tendency to get bored and move on to other women."  She held up a hand to stave off his response.  "But I never really believed it was possible till that night.  And after that it was hard to ignore.  I think that was part of the problem at the end.  I couldn't get past the fact that everyone had been right and I had been on the look out for it but it still got blindsided by Rebecca."

 

"Not my proudest moment."

 

"Nor mine."  She sighed.  "Which leads me to why I brought up Lyle's party.  I was trying to make you jealous and took Lyle up to the bedrooms, like he asked earlier - and probably wouldn't have if you had just told him that it was your girlfriend you know” she added with a direct look,,” but nothing happened.  I couldn't go through with it and then we ran into Eileen who was crying."  She looked straight at him.  "I'm not sure you even noticed."

 

"Oh, I noticed.  And it had worked."  It had probably been why he had been so angry when she confronted him about the promoter.  And how he just wanted to claim her and remind her she was his.  A cavemen instinct but one that had been there.  And while this seemed the time for honesty, he wasn’t sure he wanted to admit that particular fault of his.

 

"After Rebecca, I was pretty heartbroken.  I was also on about four different medications, each dealing with a symptom of an earlier one so I wasn't really in the best shape, and I went and got drunk at a bar and the idea came to me that if you could be with someone else, so could I.  That I could make you feel a tenth of what you made me feel.  So I took someone home.  And I don't think you noticed that either."

 

"No, I never knew that."  And he tried to tamp down the jealousy of her being with someone else while they were together.  After all, he had no leg to stand on in that area.  Hadn't he been with others during their times together? Daisy still loomed over them and Ivy didn't even know when that had happened.  "Do I know who?"

 

"Yes, although you have nothing to worry on that front.  I felt so ashamed of what I had done the next morning, and didn't want anyone to know, least of all you.  Only four people knew who it was before today.  Tom, myself, Karen and Dev."

 

"Dev?  As in Karen's idiot of an ex-fiancee?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Why the hell would he..."  The look on her face told him everything.  The thing that had went down in Boston between her and Karen was that Ivy had slept with Dev.  No wonder Karen was so mad.  "Well, what's another reason to not like him."  He felt like leaving, to go deal with his feelings on the matter alone, but something stopped him when he looked her in the eye.  She wasn't telling him this to be cruel or even get back at him for what he had done to her.  At least not now.  She was doing this so they had everything out there.  So they could deal with that and move on.  Perhaps have an actual chance.

 

"I never intended on hurting you," he said instead, clarifying when she looked at him confused.  "In Boston.  I figured I could use sex to get Rebecca more focused, it had worked before but that no one would know. Obviously I was wrong, in all respects.”

 

“I understood that eventually.  Not that it still didn’t hurt, especially after I thought we were really going somewhere earlier.  You and I were finally working well together professionally, and you said you loved me.”  She smiled, although it was weak.  “Although I guess it was a bit offhand and could have meant anything.  That was why I needed to be sure that you meant what you said, in words and intent because I don’t think I could go through that again.”

 

“I wouldn’t ask you too.  I’m sorry it took me so long to figure things out.”

 

“I’m sorry too.  I should have talked to you more about what was going on with me, not kept it to myself and avoided you.  Both back then and these past couple months.  I was just afraid to put myself out there, afraid I’d get my heart broken again.”

 

“What made you decide to go through with it earlier?”

 

“You haven’t been the only one who has spent the last couple of weeks thinking things over.  I had a lot on my mind, and it just felt like the time to say it.  And I do love you, I’ve known that for awhile.  If I hadn’t, things in Boston would have been easier to deal with.”  She looked around at crowd that was building.  “There are some things I really need to talk to you about, but maybe we could continue this elsewhere?”

 

“Sure, wherever.”  Whatever it was, she clearly didn’t want anyone else to know.  He wasn’t sure what could be more personal than what they already touched upon, but then again, a lot of that was public knowledge due to the gossip in town.

 

So he followed her out the door, nodding his goodbyes to Tom and Julia who seemed to be leaving as well.  He didn’t spot Karen or the others from Hit List, but he would see them later that week.

 

Slipping into the taxi behind Ivy, he met Tom’s gaze and knew that he would have to have a talk with the other man.  Probably a speech about treating Ivy right.  They both knew Ivy could take care of herself when it came down to it, but Tom needed to give that speech and Derek knew he deserved to receive it.

  
But his focus went back to Ivy as the door closed, leaving Tom far behind.


	4. Part Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Derek and Ivy finish their conversation

In the end they decided on Ivy’s apartment.  Mostly because it was closer, but he also knew that his apartment was in no shape for anyone, still a mess after his two week sink into self pity and depression.

 

They held hands as they walked up the stairs and into the building, reminding him of that night a few weeks ago when she had taken his phone and turned off the alarm, letting him stay as long as he wanted. It was the first glimpse she might want something more and he was finally able to offer it to her.

 

She had never asked for his key back to her apartment. It was still somewhere in his apartment.  He had taken it off his keychain after the big break up at Eileen’s party.  Even after they had gotten back together he had gotten the opinion that she wouldn’t be willing for him to just come over and wait for her.  

 

She unlocked the door and let him in.  The room was still a bit of a mess, with dress bags and make-up kits for both Ivy and her mother sitting on the various surfaces.  

 

“Your mother is staying with you?”

 

“She was, but since she got the part on Bombshell, she decided to rent her own space.  We are better but not quite at the point we can handle each other that much.  But she came over to get ready for the Tonys together.” She kicked off her heels and put them back in the box and into her closet. He sat on the bed waiting for her to continue where they left off at the party.

 

“What was it you wanted to talk about without the eager ears of Broadway?” he finally asked as he realised she was delaying the conversation.  It made him more nervous.  What could she possibly have to say to him that would make her more nervous.

 

“Remember how I had to talk to you about something a few weeks ago.”

 

“Yes, we never did have that get-together.”  He decided not to point out she hadn’t stayed long enough after overhearing Ana and Karen that night.  “Is something wrong?”

 

“Depends on your definition of wrong.”  He stood up and walked towards her where she stood near the window.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Oh, I’m fine.  Sorry, its nothing like that, not really.”  She laughed nervously.  “Sorry, I’ve just been rehearsing this in my head for weeks and somehow I don’t feel prepared for it.”  She took a deep breath.  “I’m pregnant.”  she finally said in a rush.

 

He didn’t say anything for a second, not really absorbing the words at first. The look on her face said she was expecting a negative reaction, but to be honest he wasn’t sure how to react to the news.

 

“You’re pregnant?”

 

“Yes.  About two months now.”   He turned and sat down on the bed.  It was a lot to take in.  Somehow in all of his years he had never really had a pregnancy scare let alone anything more.  At least not that anyone told him.  He hadn’t really thought about kids.  He didn’t understand the need some had to go out and have them, but he had never really been against the idea.  And at the moment he really didn’t know what to say. “You don’t have to be involved if you don’t want to.”

 

He looked up at her then.  She was looking down.  She expected that while he was willing to try things when it was just the two of them, he wouldn’t want to try when there was a third party in the mix.  

 

“Of course I want to be involved.”  And surprisingly he did. Even if it meant dealing with Tom and Julia teasing him about being a father. And while he couldn’t really account for how good of a father he would be, that didn’t mean he couldn’t be one.  “I’m just a little surprised.  How long have you known?”

 

“Since right after Ana Vargas started saying she was wrongly terminated.”

 

“Four weeks?”

 

“Yeah.  I tried to tell you, but it never seemed the right time.”  Suddenly that scene replayed in his mind.  Where Ivy looked at him with such disappointment and told him he would never do the right thing.  She hadn’t been talking about their relationship then, not solely.  He could have lost out on a lot more than just his relationship with Ivy.

 

“Yeah, I can imagine. Anyone else know?”

 

“Sam does.  He helped me come to a few decisions.”  Decisions he should have been apart of if he hadn’t been quite so focused on the problems coming at him at the time.  He watched as she turned and faced the window.  “I wasn’t sure I was ready to be a mother, but I think I kind of want to be, does that make sense?”

 

He stood up and walked towards her. “I believe so.  I’m not sure how much of a father I’ll make.  Not much of an example to follow, and as we have all seen this past year I’m not exactly model material.”

 

“I think you’ll make a good Dad,” she said as she moved his hand around her, placing it on her stomach.  “We both have to make some changes, but maybe together we can do a good job with this one.”  He leaned forward and kissed her shoulder as she leaned into his embrace, threading her fingers with his own. She leaned her head forward to touch his, and they stood there in silence for moment.

 

“I love you, Ivy,” he said after a few moments looking her in the eye.  He felt the need to say that.  Things weren't going to be easy in the coming weeks. He wasn't sure how quickly or permanently he could make the changes he knew he had to make, and she had to deal with pregnancy and holding up a broadway show as the Star.  There were going to be times where they would wonder if it was worth it, but he knew it was.

 

"Hey, no bad thoughts tonight okay," she said, seeming to read his mind.  "We will deal with all the details in the morning.  Tonight let's just be happy for a few hours."

 

"Nothing but us two?"  he joked, a grin on his face.  She smiled at the reference.

 

"You and I could never be Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Derek,"  She said with amusement.  "We are both too in need of attention to be able to pull that off.  But it's a nice thought none-the-less."  She turned to face him, releasing his hand to join his other on her back. She wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned her forehead against his.  "Just us two.  No show, no scary futures.  For one night, lets just be Ivy and Derek and leave the Diva and her director outside."

 

"I think I can do that," he said, leaning forward to kiss her.  It felt different this time.  Calmer, warmer.  Perhaps it was because this was the first time they went into this with their eyes wide open, but on the same page.  They both wanted this and in the same way.  Tomorrow they would have to face the facts, but tonight they had both won tonys, they were in love and had actually admitted it to one another, and his girlfriend was looking pretty spectacular in that dress.

 

"Did I mention how I love you in blue?"  he asked.

 

"No," she responded.  "Although you can thank your child, if I hadn't started to gain a little, I would have been wearing that black number over there."  He turned to look at the closet where a floor length gown that sparkled in the lamp light sat hanging over a chair.

 

"I happen to like you in black too."

 

"That I know," she said in a tone that implied why she had often found herself wearing black lingerie when they were together.  "I would say the same, but to be honest, I don't think you wear much else.  Although the plaid was an interesting choice.  Taking styling tips from Jimmy?"

 

"Oh, not you too."

 

"I take it the comments have been made," she said, disconnecting from him and walking to her dresser to take off her jewelry and let down her hair.  "But you two do kind of have a similar look."

 

"Somehow I doubt that."

 

"Don't worry," she joked, running her fingers through her hair to relax it.  His fingers itched to join them and he walked towards her and pulled her back against him, looking at their reflection in the mirror as she finished, "I prefer your sarcastic broodiness anyway."

 

"You better," he said.  She moved her hair over her shoulder.

 

"Do you want to help me out?" She asked with a grin.  He smiled in return and helped ease down the zipper in the back of her dress.  The blue fell away to reveal soft skin and matching underwear.  In black.

 

"Planning ahead where we?"

 

"Well, to be honest I got kind of used to choosing for you.  It's become my favorite now too."  He nodded, getting the message.  The first time around she had nearly lost herself in the show and in him.  She was a bit stronger now for the fall, and wasn't about to let herself fall back into the same bad habits.  He could respect that.  Hopefully his climb out would leave him the same way.  He leaned forward and kissed her as she did away with his jacket and tie, allowing them to join the blue dress she carefully stepped out of as they walked backwards towards her bed.

 

As he fell back, and wrapped his arms around her as she fell on top of him, he realised for the first time in a long time he was genuinely happy.  Maybe not forever, but he would take his moments when he got them.  And he hoped to get many with the women who loved him back despite their broken history.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading. Now this is the end of this particular story, but I have been convinced to continue on to the two sequels I had pop up in my mind. The first being one where Ivy and Derek deal with the post-Tonys, post-baby announcement reaction; the other is Ivy's POV where she comes to the conclusion to give Derek a second chance. If you feel a subject was missed here you would like to see addressed in one of these, let me know. I already know a few I want to write on.


End file.
